No Peace of Mind

September is nearly over, and I still have not found a job.

For a while I have not been going to school. Most days I stay at home. By any objective measure I am free—almost indulgently so. No class schedule, no roll call, no one telling me when to wake or when to sleep. I do not feel light at all.

I have been working on my portfolio every day and I am exhausted. Even when I am tired I dare not really rest, because the job search is always there in the back of my mind. I play for a little while or stare into space, and soon I remember again: I still do not have work lined up.

It sits on my chest like a weight. I seem to be waiting all the time—waiting for the portfolio to be done, waiting to land a job, waiting for life to get back on track. As if once I get through this stretch I can finally be at peace.

But I also know that after I find work there will probably be new worries. Whether the job goes well, whether I can stay, what comes next. Solve one thing and another follows.

I am not sure what I am really chasing. Maybe only the expectation that tomorrow will be better—an expectation that never quite arrives.

I keep telling myself that after this push I will stop, settle down, and live properly. So today is spent preparing tomorrow, and when tomorrow comes I prepare the day after that.

Sometimes it feels like greed of another kind: wanting everything to be in order before I allow myself to relax, before I allow myself to live. But life probably never offers that moment.

I look toward tomorrow and forget today.